[Nadine squeezes his hand, trying to stay calm herself. This is fine. It's fine. The important thing is that he hadn't hurt her, and Jaskier knows that. Though the actuality...well, she still thinks he's not going to enjoy hearing this.]
Uh...okay, so there's some important background you should know. Before all this, Dean was helping me work through some stuff. Demon related stuff. Teaching me how to fight them, using the Horizon to give me a safe and controlled environment to confront certain things and say things I was never able to say and...it was helpful, really. Cathartic.
[And highly personal, which is why no one knew about them until very recently. And even then, it's only Julie and Jaskier. But it's important to know, because it's why things happened the way they did.]
And when he came to me in the Horizon as a demon, I didn't know he was a demon. Nobody who knew at that point knew I should be told. So I thought what was happening was something similar. Like a roleplaying scenario for empowerment or something. Because...well...
[This is the part she's been dreading. Because it's embarrassing, in a way, and because it just isn't something the man who really loves her should hear. While they may not say it, she knows it. He loves her in a way no one else ever has. Which is what makes this hard. She knows he won't judge her or be angry with her, but there's a chance he'll be hurt and she hates the thought of it.
But as Geralt pointed out, he'd be more hurt if she never said anything.]
He got weirdly romantic and basically asked me to run away with him and be his dark demon queen. Obviously I said no. We had sex. That was pretty much it.
[Saying he did not enjoy hearing this is really an understatement. Jaskier cannot join two thoughts to what Nadine wants to tell him about and how it can relate to Dean, unless she knew about his death and did not tell him (which, at this point, hardly matters now) or -- or worse? What else is there?
Ah. That. That is what is there. Something he had no clue about. Demon training? It sounds absolutely absurd -- if he hadn't contacted Yennefer for something similar. But hardly to fight them. Only to protect himself against them.
When he came to me... I didn't know he was a demon.
Jaskier looks away with a heavy swallow. It does not take much, given clues, to put two and two together. So now he certainly does have an idea what this is about. And he... holy fuck, what does he do with it?
For now, he lets her finish, lets a silence that is filled with the greenhouse's natural creaks and the chirping of birds exist between them, as he looks into his lap -- pulling his hands back so the fingers can rub together in ceaseless circles. If she is telling him now, then it is done. Over with. There is nothing to be done about it. He cannot stop the portion of his mind that asks, and you still slept with him? After all of that? because it is not fair to a woman who didn't know better. How do you protect yourself against something with no warning of it?] And he didn't tell you... why? Why it had to be you?
[Perhaps that is not a fair question, either. But he's hardly thinking much. This sort of thing has simply never fucking happened to him, nor anyone he's ever heard of. As they say... once is a coincidence, and twice is a pattern.]
[All things considered, Jaskier seems to be taking this relatively okay.
Nadine doesn't protest when he draws his hand back, folding her own in her lap and looking down at them. There's an element of shame to all this, knowing she should have realized something else was going on at the time. But the feeling of control she'd had...
It doesn't matter. She'd made a mistake. All they can do is deal with the aftermath.
At least she does have an answer for him.]
He said some bullshit about my potential and honestly a lot of the same things Flagg would say. But I can tell you why.
[She's had time to think about it. Really think about it.]
Dean knew a whole lot about my history with Randall. Including the whole I'm special, it had to be me thing. And I bet as a demon, Dean figured that means I have something useful or special he could use instead. I was important to one powerful demon, maybe I could be important to any demon. Pretty sure to him, I was the equivalent of a rare gemstone someone else dropped, that he figured he could pick up and pocket.
[She doesn't reach for him but she turns to him, lifting her eyes from her lap to find his.]
It had nothing to do with feelings, or wanting me. He was a demon, they don't...they aren't capable of feeling things like you or I do. And anyway all the demons in all the worlds can want me as much as they damn well please, because I don't want any of them. I just want you.
[He only realizes the mistake he's made when her own hands draw back. As she continues, he slips his back underneath hers; whatever this might mean, in the long-run, it is nothing against her character. There is nothing shameful in enjoying oneself with however one pleases.
It is not for her that an ire, a bile, in him is rising.]
You have me. [He might as well get the most important thing out of the way first. Besides, he already is forming a plan in the back of his mind. Yes, it is absolutely an ill-thought-out plan, and yes, he will probably feel terrible about it later. But right now, even the thought of it feels like a splash of cold water on a burn.
Oh. No. He'll enjoy it.]
I didn't realize you'd opened up to him so much. To be honest, I've always found him rather annoying. [So he sort of assumed everyone else did. (And he's attempting to input a bit of levity to this conversation.)] I'm sorry the demon used that trust against you. I have enough experience with demons -- tertiary, to be fair -- to understand they are only somewhat like us. [Unfortunately, what he knows of the Wild Hunt has now changed things. But saying they are removed from humanity does not make them immune to those awful things that plague man -- like jealousy, and greed.] But it doesn't change what happened to you. I'm only sorry this... this all happened, and I had not a clue.
Yeah, he can be annoying, but...he knows a lot about demons and how they mess with people and that's not something many people could help me with.
[It's not like there's a bunch of therapists running around with a degree in demon therapy. But it had done some sort of good, as haphazard an likely unprofessional as it had been.
Her hand turns under his to thread her fingers through his.]
It really is okay. It's not great, but...I'm not a mess over it. I had to take some time and contemplate 'why me?' but I worked through that pretty much. Out of all my traumas, a dumb demon taking advantage isn't very high on the list.
[It happened. It was over. She hadn't been hurt, hadn't felt threatened or in danger at the time. Of course her stomach had dropped and she'd felt sick when she'd learned the truth, but it had been a sudden shock. The shock passed. Now it's just an uncomfortable memory, one of those little fuck-ups in life that one would rather forget but isn't going to lose any sleep over.
Or at least not much.]
And I'm sorry it took me all this time to tell you. I just...it wasn't a big deal to me so it didn't occur to me it might be to you.
[He cannot fault Dean that. It appears he does; Jaskier has no reason to doubt his knowledge there. And it is something he cannot truly help Nadine with on a level he would like. Ciri would understand, he thinks, but Ciri is intensely private -- sometimes to a fault -- and Jaskier would not dare volunteer her for such a thing.
Besides. He knows well what Voleth Meir wanted now, after his meeting with the shapeshifter. To him, that is one of the most human desires.
He laughs quietly. A dumb demon. His fingers squeeze hers.]
You needn't worry about it. And as much as I do loathe these dumb demons of yours... perhaps they, too, are able to see that fire in you that I adore as well. It is the sort that cannot ever be truly put out.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cointosser) wrote2021-04-12 08:58 pm
no subject
Uh...okay, so there's some important background you should know. Before all this, Dean was helping me work through some stuff. Demon related stuff. Teaching me how to fight them, using the Horizon to give me a safe and controlled environment to confront certain things and say things I was never able to say and...it was helpful, really. Cathartic.
[And highly personal, which is why no one knew about them until very recently. And even then, it's only Julie and Jaskier. But it's important to know, because it's why things happened the way they did.]
And when he came to me in the Horizon as a demon, I didn't know he was a demon. Nobody who knew at that point knew I should be told. So I thought what was happening was something similar. Like a roleplaying scenario for empowerment or something. Because...well...
[This is the part she's been dreading. Because it's embarrassing, in a way, and because it just isn't something the man who really loves her should hear. While they may not say it, she knows it. He loves her in a way no one else ever has. Which is what makes this hard. She knows he won't judge her or be angry with her, but there's a chance he'll be hurt and she hates the thought of it.
But as Geralt pointed out, he'd be more hurt if she never said anything.]
He got weirdly romantic and basically asked me to run away with him and be his dark demon queen. Obviously I said no. We had sex. That was pretty much it.
no subject
Ah. That. That is what is there. Something he had no clue about. Demon training? It sounds absolutely absurd -- if he hadn't contacted Yennefer for something similar. But hardly to fight them. Only to protect himself against them.
When he came to me... I didn't know he was a demon.
Jaskier looks away with a heavy swallow. It does not take much, given clues, to put two and two together. So now he certainly does have an idea what this is about. And he... holy fuck, what does he do with it?
For now, he lets her finish, lets a silence that is filled with the greenhouse's natural creaks and the chirping of birds exist between them, as he looks into his lap -- pulling his hands back so the fingers can rub together in ceaseless circles. If she is telling him now, then it is done. Over with. There is nothing to be done about it. He cannot stop the portion of his mind that asks, and you still slept with him? After all of that? because it is not fair to a woman who didn't know better. How do you protect yourself against something with no warning of it?] And he didn't tell you... why? Why it had to be you?
[Perhaps that is not a fair question, either. But he's hardly thinking much. This sort of thing has simply never fucking happened to him, nor anyone he's ever heard of. As they say... once is a coincidence, and twice is a pattern.]
no subject
Nadine doesn't protest when he draws his hand back, folding her own in her lap and looking down at them. There's an element of shame to all this, knowing she should have realized something else was going on at the time. But the feeling of control she'd had...
It doesn't matter. She'd made a mistake. All they can do is deal with the aftermath.
At least she does have an answer for him.]
He said some bullshit about my potential and honestly a lot of the same things Flagg would say. But I can tell you why.
[She's had time to think about it. Really think about it.]
Dean knew a whole lot about my history with Randall. Including the whole I'm special, it had to be me thing. And I bet as a demon, Dean figured that means I have something useful or special he could use instead. I was important to one powerful demon, maybe I could be important to any demon. Pretty sure to him, I was the equivalent of a rare gemstone someone else dropped, that he figured he could pick up and pocket.
[She doesn't reach for him but she turns to him, lifting her eyes from her lap to find his.]
It had nothing to do with feelings, or wanting me. He was a demon, they don't...they aren't capable of feeling things like you or I do. And anyway all the demons in all the worlds can want me as much as they damn well please, because I don't want any of them. I just want you.
no subject
It is not for her that an ire, a bile, in him is rising.]
You have me. [He might as well get the most important thing out of the way first. Besides, he already is forming a plan in the back of his mind. Yes, it is absolutely an ill-thought-out plan, and yes, he will probably feel terrible about it later. But right now, even the thought of it feels like a splash of cold water on a burn.
Oh. No. He'll enjoy it.]
I didn't realize you'd opened up to him so much. To be honest, I've always found him rather annoying. [So he sort of assumed everyone else did. (And he's attempting to input a bit of levity to this conversation.)] I'm sorry the demon used that trust against you. I have enough experience with demons -- tertiary, to be fair -- to understand they are only somewhat like us. [Unfortunately, what he knows of the Wild Hunt has now changed things. But saying they are removed from humanity does not make them immune to those awful things that plague man -- like jealousy, and greed.] But it doesn't change what happened to you. I'm only sorry this... this all happened, and I had not a clue.
no subject
Yeah, he can be annoying, but...he knows a lot about demons and how they mess with people and that's not something many people could help me with.
[It's not like there's a bunch of therapists running around with a degree in demon therapy. But it had done some sort of good, as haphazard an likely unprofessional as it had been.
Her hand turns under his to thread her fingers through his.]
It really is okay. It's not great, but...I'm not a mess over it. I had to take some time and contemplate 'why me?' but I worked through that pretty much. Out of all my traumas, a dumb demon taking advantage isn't very high on the list.
[It happened. It was over. She hadn't been hurt, hadn't felt threatened or in danger at the time. Of course her stomach had dropped and she'd felt sick when she'd learned the truth, but it had been a sudden shock. The shock passed. Now it's just an uncomfortable memory, one of those little fuck-ups in life that one would rather forget but isn't going to lose any sleep over.
Or at least not much.]
And I'm sorry it took me all this time to tell you. I just...it wasn't a big deal to me so it didn't occur to me it might be to you.
no subject
Besides. He knows well what Voleth Meir wanted now, after his meeting with the shapeshifter. To him, that is one of the most human desires.
He laughs quietly. A dumb demon. His fingers squeeze hers.]
You needn't worry about it. And as much as I do loathe these dumb demons of yours... perhaps they, too, are able to see that fire in you that I adore as well. It is the sort that cannot ever be truly put out.